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Despair August 19, 2008

Posted by indigobunting in Uncategorized.
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I am wearing an almost-black rubber wristband that says DESPAIR. I am wearing it for a week.

A couple of Christmases ago, Sewa Yoleme sent me this wristband as part of a satirical trio that also included the very-black NIHILISM and the very-light-gray APATHY. I wore APATHY once, but then I realized that I had cared enough to put it on, which muddled me rather.

Now that I have left my beloved Northbrook for what is likely the last time, I am wearing DESPAIR for a week. That’s the plan.

In keeping with our ongoing denial, we signed up for two weeks again next year, one in June and one in August, on the off chance that the place doesn’t sell and the owner opens it as a B&B. But it feels like a long shot. And, as I’ve said to others and possibly written somewhere, the uncertainty is beginning to feel like a long breakup. Is this the last time? Is this? Is it more painful to just stop, or is it OK to squeeze as much out of it as you possibly can if you’re really in love?

That spot on earth—and I mean that very spot—has felt like some sort of emotional home to me from the second I first set foot on it more than twenty years ago. It’s partly mine. But not mine in a way that has any legal standing. Maybe I should start thinking of it as the place where my grandfather Trespassers W used to live. The place he used to live that I can’t physically visit.

This is getting whinier than I’d planned. Random thoughts:

  • Nothing can replace Northbrook.
  • I really believe I’m going to see my Northbrook buddies again. We seem to have bonded.
  • Something else will come along that I will love. Something different.
  • Now I’ll have time to do things I haven’t done because I wouldn’t not go to Northbrook.

I cried a lot when I left. But I cry a lot every time I leave there. Maybe I can trick myself into thinking that this time’s no different—that nothing can keep us apart.

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Comments»

1. Bridgett - August 19, 2008

Oh IB I see myself in years to come in this post. We have a “place” too, every memorial day weekend and every fall. Cabins scattered on land owned by a couple older than my parents. How long do we have? I can’t think about it. It’s been OURS for 8 years. My mom’s mother is from right down the way–who knows where, same county, I know–and doesn’t that make it ancestral for me somehow?

I hope it continues.

2. Craig (Maito Sewa Yoleme) - August 20, 2008

Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.

3. Deloney - August 20, 2008

And sad.

4. indigobunting - August 20, 2008

B: May it be there for you forever! (Or at least 22 years, which I had!)

5. Mali - August 20, 2008

Sigh. I’m so jealous you have (had) a place like that.

6. Helen - August 20, 2008

Why don’t you buy it?

7. indigobunting - August 21, 2008

It’s a pesky lack of millions of dollars. Pesky, I tell you!

8. Cedar Waxwing - August 21, 2008

Ah that pesky money…

I feel for you, IB. My favorite place on Earth was my grandparents’ place in Chetek. I went there for many years as a child and teenager until my parents bought their own land on the other side of Wisconsin. The cabin in Chetek was also where Dean and I vacationed together for the first time ever (after being a couple for about 6 months). We also went there on our first honeymoon. The one on which we brought NealandMarie and Paul.

When my grandmother died the house was sold before I got to visit it one last time. We’ve only passed through Chetek once since then, but I couldn’t bear to visit the house.

Hmm, I see a blog post developing…


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