Excuse Note Follow-up June 29, 2015
Posted by indigobunting in Uncategorized.trackback
Dear I Prefer to Remain Anonymous:
Rest assured, I have passed along your message responding to the excuse note I wrote for Indigo Bunting a couple of weeks ago. Ms. B appreciates the tough love, but she’s still not writing, instead screaming at me “A new computer and a new phone within a few weeks of each other? Are you effin’ kidding me? I can’t take this!” and “Shut up and let me finish bingeing on Orphan Black.” I’m happy to report she has finished that binge, but last night she did sneak in the first episode of her next one. Tonight she’s driving nearly two hours to at last see Trombone Shorty perform. It’s always something with her.
At one point, though, in response to a request from An Anonymous Condiment Aficionado, Indigo did try to update the condiment-in-the-refrigerator list, at first struggling to define exactly what counts as a condiment, and she filled two pages of a 5-by-7-inch notepad. Here it is: Santa Cruz organic pure lemon juice, San-J organic GF tamari, Annie’s Natural shiitake sesame dressing, Trader Joe’s sweet chili sauce, Pitchfork Preserves cranberry syrup, Lea & Perrins Worcestershire sauce, Wild Maine blueberry hot sauce, Annie’s Naturals BBQ sauce (where did that come from?), Stonewall Kitchen maple chipotle grille sauce, balsamic vinegar with wild blueberries, unsalted butter, basil pesto, Skillet fennel and black pepper bacon spread, La Tartufata, Sambal Oelek ground fresh chili paste, Tamicon tamarind concentrate, Polaner Allfruit seedless blackberry spread (disappointing!), Hellman’s real mayonnaise, capers, Kalamata olives, sweet red peppers, onion-stuffed olives, Grey Poupon, Heinz organic tomato ketchup, Cholula chili lime hot sauce, maple syrup, Vermont Hills teriyaki sauce, Hershey’s butterscotch topping (really? is that a decade old?), Green Mountain salsa, pickled ramps, Wild Hibiscus flowers in syrup, Ranier Reserve cherries, and pickled scapes.
That’s right. In her refrigerator. “How does this happen?” you can hear her scream, I’m certain.
Yers in eye-rolling frustration,
Varied Bunting
P. S. With luck, her attitude will get its ass adjusted tonight:
Route 153 
Wow. How does all that fit in one refrigerator? It must be twice the size of mine. And you/Varied/Indigo Bunting have made me feel better – I’m not alone as a condiment hoarder! Though I do keep some of that in my pantry.
Varied Bunting, keep up the good work. A blogging life without Indigo’s escapades is no *blogging* life at all.
Mali, almost all of these things are in the DOOR of the refrigerator. A few on the top shelf.
VB , , , expiration dates?
If it’s full of sugar and there’s no mold, there’s really no expiration date.
I’ll take the capers & the Kalamatas, since you don’t like them. I realize the stuffed olives are meant for libations. 😉
I need the capers to dump on smoked salmon plates for Others! xxoo (But come have a martini!)
Yes, the condiment problem. We have many. Also — glad to hear from you.
Dear Varied Bunting:
I feel you could do a much better job of incentivizing Indigo proper Bunting to blog rather than to spend all her time dilly dallying with Orphan Black and Trombone Shorty. In fact, those sound like flimsy excuses for names—are you sure she’s not actually engaged in other time-wasting pursuits, like condiment shopping? Anyways, here’s my suggestion: every day prepare some home-made sweet potato frites and serve them with the daily special dipping sauce (e.g. Monday: Trader Joe’s sweet chili sauce; Tuesday: Wild Main blueberry hot sauce; Wednesday: Annie’s Naturals BBQ sauce (ignore its dubious provenance); Thursday: Stonewall Kitchen maple chipotle grille sauce; Friday: Hellman’s real mayonnaise, possibly jazzed up with some pickled ramps and scapes; Saturday: Cholula chili lime hot sauce; Sunday: special brunch-style balsamic vinegar with wild blueberries). Allow Indigo to peck at exactly cinq frites but no more, until she writes at least 250 mots.
If that doesn’t work I suggest you stop rolling yer eyes in frustration, pack up all those condiments, and make your way to NYC, where you can set up an eatery that will put this one out of business: http://www.pommesfritesnyc.com/gallery.html. As you roll down the driveway towards Route 153 you may want to taunt Indigo with a few particularly villainous verbified nouns (e.g. “incentivizing”), which may goad her into posting a diatribe against this new-fangled assault on the Queen’s English and its hayseed offshoot.
Signed,
An Anonymous Indigo Bunting Aficionado
I get the more recent post now.